A Song of Angst and Brooding — The Jon Snow Story

Factfile

Name: Jon Snow

Occupation: Bastard, former Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, current King in the North

Nicknames: Handsome Jesus, Bastard, Lord Commander, Not This Guy Again (given by the Night King)

Current status: Alive (formerly dead)

Kingdom: The North

Relationship Status: Married to the job

Significant Other: Ygritte (deceased)

Likely Catchphrase: “The dead are coming.”

Unlikely Catchphrase: “God, I’m so happy.”


Family

Mother: Lyanna Stark (deceased)

Father: Rhaegar “oops, my libido started a war” Targaryen (deceased)

Siblings: Rhaenys Targaryen (half-sister, deceased) and Aegon Targaryen (half-brother, deceased)

Aunts/Uncles: Brandon Stark (deceased), Eddard Stark (deceased), Catelyn Stark (by marriage, deceased), Benjen Stark (IDEK), Viserys Targaryen (deceased) and Daenerys Targaryen, aka Mother of Titles

Cousins: Robb Stark (deceased), Sansa Stark, Arya Stark, Brandon Stark, Rickon Stark (deceased), Drogon, Rhaegal and Viserion (debatable, on account of how they’re giant lizard creatures)

Grandparents: Rickard Stark (deceased), Lyarra Stark (deceased), Rhaella Targaryen (deceased), Aerys Targaryen aka The Mad King (deceased)

Pets: Ghost, albino direwolf


Known Associates

Current Allies: Arya Stark, Sansa Stark, Brandon Stark, Davos Seaworth, Tormund Giantsbane, Samwell Tarly, Dolorous Edd Tollett, Lyanna Mormont, Tyrion Lannister, mirrors everywhere

Current Enemies: The Night King, probably Cersei, quite likely Petyr Baelish

It’s Complicated: Melisandre

Personal kill list: Unnamed wight, Qhorin Halfhand, Gareth from The Office, Torchwouldn’t of Gin Alley, the Magnar of the Thenns, Scary White Walker, Alliser Thorne, Othell Yarwyck, Bowen Marsh and that little shit Olly, plus many others in battle


Stats

Preferred Weapon: Valyrian-steel bastard sword, Longclaw

Notable achievements:

Killed a wight with an oil lamp.
Successfully infiltrated a wildling camp.
Successfully had sex with a human female.
Climbed the Wall without the appropriate safety gear.
Avenged the murder of Jeor Mormont at Craster’s Keep.
Lead the Battle of the Wall against the wildlings.
Killed the Magnar of the Thenns.
Named Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch by his peers.
Killed a White Walker at Hardhome.
Successfully negotiated peace treaty with wildlings.
Returned from the dead.
Declared king by a ten-year-old.
Prettier than both of Tormund’s daughters.

Special Abilities:

Brooding.
Sword-fighting.
Impressive twirls.
Hair billowing in the wind.
Heroism.
Honesty.
Honorable deeds.
Beard maintenance.
Frequent subject of long tracking shots.
Simultaneously knows nothing and holds the future of the world in his hands.
Inability to stay dead.
Cunnilingus (allegedly).
Getting jobs he didn’t apply for.

Written by: Sarah Weymes
Full bio here.